Internal struggle of Race

Over the course of five years, I have hesitated to share my thoughts, feelings, and opinions of the current racial state of America. I have cried, laughed and wondered as we are stumbling through the motions of social change. If I was honest, I was blind. I was blind to the color of my skin, blind to my condition and blind to the fate of my brothers and sisters of color. Because, I determined that, it doesn’t impact me. I lived in a bubble but I was left uneasy, unsettled and disconnected.

Bursting the Bubble

First, Tamer Rice was killed. A twelve-year-old kid, shot in the chest in my own backyard. I don’t live too far from the scene of his unfortunate killing. I sunk into the chair of my car when I first heard the news. I didn’t know whether to cry or be angry. I watched the video, over one hundred times to see, why it was deemed justifiable to take another human life. This moment was a tipping point for me, I could no longer be a casual observer for civil rights, I was compelled to see change. That child in the park could have easily been one of my children, and I often wonder what would have happened if Tamer was white.

When Philando Castile was shot and it was made public through Facebook live, I knew what my cause needed to be. When looking at our current polarized landscape I ask myself one question, how do we speak with honor on issues of race, without demonizing each other for our different perspectives. What is the art of racial dialogue?

Be the change

The truth of the prayer, Saint Francis prayed, Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, is not more true. Any change we wish to see must first be internal. For myself, I asked myself, how do I engage peace through this conversation. Rather than participate in groupthink, which Facebook can easily facilitate, How can we honor in the context of complex situations?

I have changed my thoughts on rights and social justice issues. As a person of color, I have sought to understand both sides of the argument of equality and loved the process of discovery between the two communities. How do we bridge the divide which we currently live in? Be the bridge.

Dialog

So, how do we choose to speak in honor? Intentionally, deliberately, and directly. Seek first to listen than to be heard. Learn to set aside how you see a situation, yet be willing to see the world through the eyes of another. That’s the key, the issue at hand is never the core problem during a time of conflict. It is a symptom of a deeper problem that has risen to the surface. Learning to distinguish that fact, separates those who are empathic and impactful to those who push an agenda and surface-level change.

The Road Ahead

The dream that Martin Luther King Jr, the forecast was a prophetic foreshadowing. As we travel down the road that Martin saw, we set new heights and assign new landmarks. We are growing together in progress and there is so much more to discover.

Many people live for the mountain top experiences; those moments in life when we feel fully connected and alive, our purpose and vision are clear and we are overflowing with hope and joy. In a day and age of instant gratification and quick fixes, it is easy to forget that the amazing “suddenly”s of life are often preceded by a long process of waiting.

Most people don’t float to the top of a mountain in a moment, they climb up with labored breaths and an unclear line of vision. Living whole-hearted means embracing the climb and anticipating the view from the top. It doesn’t mean we are wholly happy or completely content in all circumstances, but that we embrace the entire human experience of highs and lows as a gift, not a burden.

It might mean that parts of your heart hurt and ache and feel unfulfilled while parts experience overwhelming joy. Living whole-hearted doesn’t mean that your whole heart feels full in every moment, it means you are willing to experience the full spectrum of human emotions through every trial and transition that life brings your way. Even Jesus experienced the pain of betrayal and death before the doors of abundant life and joy were opened to us. So we walk in His footsteps and we learn from his example.

The birth of our second child really opened me up to the fullness of the reality of what it means to live whole-heartedly. The pain of child-birth was a labor of love, paving the way for the fulfillment of my promise. I opened my whole heart to feel the highs of love and joy that come from new life, and simultaneously felt the tension and heartbreak of shifting my attention from one child to two. My time and attention are now split between two perfect little humans who were made to desire all of me. All of my overjoyed, overwhelmed, sleep deprived self.

When I look into the eyes of my children, I see the pure innocence with which they love and trust me. I see the fragility of their hearts as they react and respond to the slightest change of tone in my voice because their little hearts are so beautifully sensitive. I revel in their innocence and am simultaneously pained at the thought that they will one-day experience rejection, humiliation or pain. As I envision my daughters growing up, I feel blessed and full, saddened and overwhelmed all in the same breath.

Why am I so blessed in a world full of suffering? My life overflowing with richness yet aching for those children that have no mommy to love and affirm them, to hold them when they cry and feed them when they are hungry. I know I am called to make a difference, to travel to foreign lands and do great things. Yet here I sit in my messy house crying because I feel guilty that my toddler is watching cartoons and eating cereal for dinner, again…because I’m too exhausted to move from the couch.

My children are my world yet the world has needs that weigh on my heart in the midst of the daily grind. If all I ever do is love my children, it will have been enough, yet I still long for more. Not only for myself, but for my girls as well. I want them to grow up sensitive to the needs of the world because I know in them I am depositing a love that will need an outlet bigger than our family unit. I know that in a hurting broken world they are called to be a beacon of light and hope. Hope deferred makes the heart sick but…desire fulfilled is a tree of life! (Ps 13:12)

One must live in the land of unfulfilled desire for a time to one day eat the fruit of fulfilled promise. Sometimes you must endure the deferment of hope for a time to fully experience the joy of it’s fulfillment.

This time of waiting is the soil in which a whole heart blossoms. The pendulum doesn’t always fall in the middle with equal amounts of joy and pain, longing and fulfillment. Often times it swings heavily to one side before the tides of change come and things change.

To live whole-heartedly might mean that we experience seasons in which is seems that God has withheld from us, we are waiting and hoping with no indication that the promise is forthcoming. But when the seasons change, we realize that in our pain and longing we have sown a beautiful garden of delight that we will relish in when the storms of confusion and waiting have passed. We will dance in the fields of flowers that have bloomed suddenly out of once barren lands.

You cannot love with a whole heart if you have closed off your heart to pain.

You cannot live with a whole heart if you cannot embrace the quiet joy of doing the right thing when nobody pays you any notice. We forget that Jesus was a carpenter that nobody knew for thirty years before he ever performed a miracle. We must learn to embrace the beauty of life’s moments that happen between the mundane and the miracle. We must learn to live whole-heartedly, because that is what the world truly needs.

Good, better, best. Never let it rest. ‘Til your good is better and your better is best. St. Jerome

We enter this life screaming. This pronouncement is like a declaration telling the ones around us, “get ready because here I come”.

From the moment we take our first breath we bring a flair or flavor to life. This original image is uniquely you and would otherwise be lost if you weren’t here. 131 million births occur each year, yet yours only occurs once.

No one else sees the world like you see it. No one else can shape and impact the lives around you like you can.

To sum this all up: YOU MATTER.

Why is this important?

Why is knowing your value key for life?

Well, let me tell you. For a moment let’s compare life to a business. Picture in your mind a prospering business.

Keep that picture in your mind for a moment.

When that business is appraised all avenues are considered. From what the business produces, it’s market. The customers they serve and the employees they hire.

This evaluation determines the cash value for future investors or sale holders and ultimately its true value.

YOU,INC

Now, let’s take that same example and make it personal. When you are born you, you are given two main gifts, unlimited potential and time. You are a blank canvas and you are so powerful that you can paint any picture for the world to enjoy. Like a business you produce, different products through out the course of your life. Wether it be through relationships, time or craft, you produce products of value. From the people you associate with to those you impact the unseen value you bring to the picture is immeasurable.

This evaluation of YOU INC has priceless value and is constantly on the rise and you develop as a person. So, WHY do you matter?

If you never ceased to be, YOU INC would have never been formed. The people places or things that you touch on a daily basis would never have had you uniquely added value. And the change you were destined to bring to the world would have never happened through you.

Power of You

Just let that thought sink in for a moment. You are so valued and powerful that others would have been missing out on a piece of their destinies if you weren’t around. Now, before your head takes off like a hot air balloon. This great potential can be hindered or unfulfilled through a variety of ways but the most common are a lack of a sense of self and lack of value.

If you don’t know that you matter than you will live like you don’t.

You matter because you are and you are here because you were planned. I don’t hold the conviction that we were a cosmic experiment. There is no hope and desire for life in that belief. No one ever says, that they’re glad to be alive because of random chance. You need to know that you were planned and purposed because you were, no matter the circumstances of your birth, you have today to define and change you inner image.

Inside out life

We live full fulfilled lives from the inside out. You cannot expect true and lasting change to be only external. You cannot wear a lab coat one day and call yourself a doctor. But, you can desire to be one and plan your life around your values, dreams and passions.

We live inside out lives. What we believe about ourselves will be projected outward. So, how are you living victoriously and loving yourself intentionally?

The company of you never takes breaks always learns and constantly grows. Are you will to invest into something that would require you to change or are you happy with the returns that you are receiving?

Until next time.

Anxiously I grasped my wife’s hands as she braved the final moments of labor. Those final moments felt like an eternity as moments of extreme intensity transition to one of extreme joy.

All the planning and organizing can never fully prepare you for a season change.

With my first daughter Olivia, I over-emphasized the details and was stressed for the months leading to her birth. This extra anxiety caused strife and stress in my marriage. Time spent when we were supposed to be celebrating new life we spend arguing and fighting.

The picture painted through our process is that even something which is originally supposed to be a blessing can cause division if miss handled. Through time and counseling, we were able to identify the source of the tension and offense, fear.

Anything worth doing well has high levels of risk involved.

If it’s starting a new job, relationship or vocation, the unknown is scary and it’s ok to be afraid, but it’s not ok to live afraid.

Dispelling fear is the first step in living courageously. This can be done in multiple ways but the most effective way I have seen is changing the way you talk to yourself.

So how do I empower myself towards change?

Well, let me explain! First and foremost, I am not talking about impractical “hocus pocus” you see in a lot of the mainstream movements. A lot of talk with no practical application. But! What I am referring to is, in when those moments of fear (fill in the blank) arises, which it will, reminding yourself of what the truth of the situation is.

The majority of the battlefield of fear is within the mind. So how this plays out is when thoughts arise which aren’t true about yourself or is driven by a fearful moment, tell yourself “Hey, I am not willing to subject myself to fear.” Then replacing that thought with your present truth.

Fear can stunt growth if not dealt with.

So learning this lesson through the process prior to Olivia’s birth we were better prepared for her arrival. New life will bring up the issues in your heart but it is always worth plowing through those concerns while the moment can be seized. On the other side of fear is new life.

Until next time.

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.  – George Elliot

The new year is a great time to start afresh and give yourself a clean slate. Sometimes promises are not tangible, it’s a long journey of faith, building, and redefinition.

For me, this time of year is very special. My wife and I are expecting the birth of our second child and there’s nothing like having a baby to reset your year and your priorities. Children are not the only thing that can help reset your paradigm; it can be anything, a new job, relationship, etc. It’s the anticipation of new life, new beginnings, and a fresh start.

Going back to expecting a child, labor and pregnancy are great metaphors that change and growth don’t happen all at once but over time. Over the past nine months, I have witnessed my wife’s body change and adapt as our daughter progresses through the developmental milestones. All the anticipation and excitement cannot rush the process. But almost suddenly, there’s a defining moment when what was once inside of you is evident.

It’s new, fragile, requires your time, attention and energy, but it is so worth it. It’s beautiful and brings joy and hope. It puts your priorities in focus and gives a face to the future that seemed so unknown in utero. We get glimpses, technology has come so far, but those sonogram photos are nothing compared to staring into the eyes of your child, seeing the realness of what was once only a good idea.

Something you made, something birthed out of the desire of your heart, something your intentionality determined would be a reality.

How many times do we abort our dreams because we cannot see what they will look like?

We cannot feel them move within us in the early stages, but that is the most vital time of growth. We are required at times to rest, we are required to wait for an appointed time. But that’s hard and goes against what our will and our humanity are trained to do from an early age. Culture, society, the media all tell us in multiple ways that we must make things happen.

If we want a better life, we work to get it. If we have a dream, we strive to achieve it, but knowing the difference between what we must do and what we must allow to germinate and grow in its own time is key.

You cannot fast track the most important things in life by imposing your own timing and plans upon the process. You cannot birth aside from God’s timing and grace. There are stages of rest and response that we must be comfortable with and learn to understand what phase we are in.

So as this new year begins, what are you birthing, what are you creating?

Never rush the process for the sake of convenience because the end results are perfect.

Until next time.

Everything happens kind of the way it’s supposed to happen, and we just watch it unfold. And you can’t control it. Looking back, you can’t say, ‘I should’ve… ‘ You didn’t, and had you, the outcome would have been different. – Rick Rubin

Review of 2012

Now I know what you are thinking…didn’t you say that you would update us on your travels? Yes, I did say that and I am sorry that I didn’t fulfill my promise. I have realized that my yes was not truly yes and my no, has been maybe’s at best. Please accept my apology, I know it is not a consolation, but it is a point of repentance.

It is hard to believe how fast four years go by. My last post on this blog was written on July 28th, 2012. When I think about 2012 it feels like only yesterday. I was full of zeal, adventure, and courage. Looking back I can see how much of my zeal was probably ambition and my adventure was truly drive for recognition. It may be blunt but it is a fair assessment. I tend to be overly critical of myself, but looking back I am happy with where I have been and where I am going. I have been blessed by being able to travel as much as I did during 2012, here are a few highlights.

• Traveled in the Middle East.
• Met my future Wife!
• Joined Iris Global
• Served in Africa for 4 months.
• Traveled to England, Whales, and Ireland.
• Lived in Paris for two months.
• Got engaged in Paris.
• Met some world-changing individuals who forever changed the course of my life.

Wow!, that was a lot to catch up on. I had a busy year and didn’t truly know what I was getting myself into when I left America, but it was that step of faith that really pushed me into my destiny. After leaving Paris I was a bit lost. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, I had a new fiancé and was truly burnt out.

Catching Up

Valentine’s day of 2013 I returned to America. It was a miracle that I even made it back stateside after almost two years away. I happily arrived at Cleveland Hopkins International airport and my life restarted again. I wasn’t the same person that I left as. I am, hopefully, a wiser, and a more discerning individual. The days after Valentine’s day of 2012, many great things happened as well as some challenging times, here is a list of some memorable highlights:

• Three months of rest (aka. jobless)
• Got married! (Best day of my life)
• Started an official career in I.T.
• Birth of our first child.
• Moved three times over the course of Heather’s pregnancy.
• Bought a house.
• Cultivated deep and life-giving friendships.
• Changed Jobs.
• Death of my spiritual father/ mentor and friend Scott Evelyn
• Birth of our second child.

2017 and Beyond

You made it to the end! Congrats! The purpose of this blog is part therapy, part exploration, and last part learning. I will write on my multiple interests, hobbies, and passions but the one main goal is to make you think. I enjoy stirring the pot and challenging mindsets at large. So expect the format to be short and concise. I hope to write a blog post at least once a week, maybe less depending on the topic. I will do a series on a topic if there is enough context but primarily and always the content will be thought-provoking.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement throughout the years. Your individual impact and investment in my life are immeasurable.

Shalom.